Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   yeah she was hot...til she opened up her mouth and the trailer fell out

   I think I see a light through the tunnel...hope its my friends with a 2 million watt spotlight and not a train....

   if I had a peso for every lame mafia wars update you posted this week, I could afford to put a real hit on your azz!

   Ellen DeGeneres finds it hard to judge people and hurt their feeling so she is leaving American Idol. Producers have put in a call to Mel Gibson.

   Hey, whats a four letter term used to call a woman ending in "unt"?......the answer is "Aunt"

   If I were to go to hell, it would take at least a week to realize I wasn't at work.

   I was late to work, and my boss told me I should've been at work by 8:30 this morning. I asked him "why? what happened then?"

   wonders if real mafia dudes sit around playing "Boring-ass normal people wars"?

   making Holy Water by boiling the Hell out of it.

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

   Patience is not one of my virtues. Hell, what am I talking about? Virtue is not one of my virtues.

   All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!

   $100 says I don't have a gambling problem.

   You never learn anything by doing it right.

   Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

   The best part of waking up . . . is going back to sleep.

   I wish bugs understood the concept of personal space.

   My friend told me they wouldn't mind trying human meat if the opportunity presented itself. Soooo, Guess who I'm not hanging out with anymore...

   turns out "im fine" is girl speak for "im not fine"

   I have spend years pefecting the art of walking around my house in the dark. Now what I wanna know, is who the hell put that f*cking stool in the middle of the damn living room?!