Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You ever seen someone so gay that you feared for his safety!

   ‎...Is it just me or is Ed Hardy and Affliction in an all out war with each other to make the douchiest t-shirt possible. These things are like 95% rhinestones and glitter, these shirts scream I touch myself when I watch Brokeback Mountain.

   its the weekend so live it up, charge it down, puff it off, smash a line, blow out blind and destroy your mind!!

   you know you're having a busy day when you can't find time to update your Facebook status.

   woman are magic. They can get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard

   Today's Kama Sutra position is The Underpaid Employee. It involves bending over backwards for the boss while kissing his a*s at the same time

   Whats better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   The most disturbing part of those Orkin commercials is that the people seem used to speaking with 6 foot tall insects.

   Its time for a "It was one of those kinda days at work today." beer.

   My dog can lick his own balls. Seriously, I don't care how many times he makes those puppy dog eyes at me.

   My seatbelt makes me feel so secure ... Like nothing can get me... I love how it protects me so..... ;)

   Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.

   still amazed that the technologically challenged are drawn like moths to a flame towards the Self-Check out Lanes at every large Grocery.

   If you wouldn't wear your GF shirt that has rhinestones and glitter, why would it be ok to wear one that has some other guys name on it that reads Ed Hardy?

   I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

   more nervous than a ceiling fan salesman with a toupe.

   Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

   30-year-mortgage, 5-year-car-financing, and lifetime gym membership, but women still say that men have problem with commitment.

   I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

   beer: the reason I get up every afternoon..