Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't stand when people quote music lyrics in their status. we know how the song goes, we already heard it 500 million times on the radio. but "Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars," "ops I did it again," "somebody call 9

   very keen on multitasking, and therefore doesn't appreciate being told which electronic products she can or cannot use while in the shower.

   If a doctor ever prescribed you anti depressants its a great chance you don't need a FaceBook

   WANTED: Schrödinger's Cat - Dead and Alive

   it's a real shot to the ego when you join a internet dating site and can't get a date

   this is just a test. Had this been a real status update, it would of consisted of babbling of an idiot rambling on about monkeys and their banana eating ways. We thank you for participating in this test.

   Facebook is like a college dormitory. No matter the hour, there's always someone up. Also, someone is drunk.

   the only thing about having bags under your eyes is that I can never find any shoes to match :(

   I've been poor and happy and now I'm ready to be rich and miserable. Gimme!

   This girl I know is thinking about havin beer pong at her reception... that's walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever.

   Study shows women are less likely to keep their cars clean. Yeah, because they don't need a clean car to get laid.

   Funny how people get easily buzzed about the new iphone and droid phones. Meanwhile, China and Japan are sitting back laughing at us with their better (possible) 5G phones.

   went into BP after getting subway. and spilled my slushy all over the floor. and yelled "YOU DONT LIKE HOW THAT FEEELS HUH!" and left.

   The Flying Spaghetti Book: Garlic 3:16, And the Flying Spaghetti Monster so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son and that who so ever should believe in him should not perish but have everlasting pasta, rAmen.

   why are men so smart during sex? because hes plugged into a genius

   I'd like to be a bird, not for the freedom and beauty of flight...I just want to be able to sh*t on people like a WWII bomber pilot.

   I have Bieber Fever. I listened to a song by Justin Bieber and now have a 103 degree temperature, I'm throwing up, and have a huge headache.

   the only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.

   she's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice..yup, I'd still hit it

   thinks rap promotes punching, boastfulness, and disrespect toward ho's.