Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Elon Musk spent 44 billion sending woke narcissists into a spiral of depression and honestly, it was money well spent.

   If you’re being heckled in public like Mike Tyson was, you should legally be able to kick that person’s a$$. This generation thinks they can get away with anything.

   Woke means waking up from sleep. Stop trying to change meanings of words.

   I lost my best friend today , I'll never get to see him or hang around or talk to him on the phone again. He got his hand caught in a wedding ring .

   I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel. Nerds takes the edge off.

   Hope this e-mail doesn’t find you. Hope you’ve escaped and are free.

   If you don’t finish with a wet spot on your tummy, are your dishes even clean?

   If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

   I always keep pepper spray on me in case someone attacks or tries to make small talk.

   Dating a church girl is the best. I cheat, we pray about it and blame the devil.

   Babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15,000 in cash and a passport. I out pizza’d the hut and they’re after me.

   I dropped my phone in a McDonalds sprite and that mf started charging.

   How does it feel to be so weak that mere words offend you? Your ancestors must be so proud.

   I would rather someone steal my identity than remember another password.

   Watching Biden wander around the white house (his house), completely confused, while no one wants to talk to him. Funny... but sad... but still funny.

   Someone's been spreading a rumor that I'm schizophrenic. Well, 3 can play at that game...!

   Had 2 activate a old flip phone you have 2 press every letter 3 times 2 form a letter which makes it hard 2 text & it's really slow which makes it hard 2 surf the web & see the news & all I can do is just live in the moment, & this is awesome!

   I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties. I now sneak out of parties to go to my house.

   I have come to the conclusion I will never achieve my dream of being a Soul Train dancer...

   We’re churning out a generation of poorly educated people with no skill, no ambition, no guidance, and no realistic expectations of what it means to go to work.