Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now over to world news: Good evening, the UN declared that they will be sending relief aid to Haiti in hopes that the victims of the...Oh..hang on.. this just coming in on the news wire..Lindsay Lohan was taken into custody today for probation violation..

   Most popular iPhone App of the month: Public Telephone Box Locator.

   "ur cute when ur mad"...... "well immabout to get real adorable"

   If I was a college professor, I would give bad grades to the girls I wanted to screw. I'm sure 90% of them would prostitute in exchange for an "A"

   doesnt get drunk, he gets awesome

   A traveling medical marijuana clinic was forced to shut down. The driver kept stopping at every McDonalds.

   ~ A teacher at a school for overweight kids was fired for sniffing cocaine. His massive pupils gave him away.

   is kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   hates it when old relatives come up to you at weddings and say, "You'll be next, dear". I'm sure they wouldn't be too impressed if I started saying that to them at funerals.

   keeps a fake journal claiming she's done monumental stuff, so if she ever develops amnesia, she's gonna think she's freakin' AWESOME!

   ‎~ Lindsay Lohan staggered into court. The judge explained, "Ms Lohan, you've been brought here for drinking", to which Lindsay replied, "Great! When do we get started?!".

   got a phone call from the credit card company this morning, telling me that I have "outstanding payments". I said "Why, thank you very much!".

   Hopes he doesnt black out, cause this is awesome!

   once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

   wants you to know... Suck all you want, He will make more.

   Many will come and go but I know the diffrence between a woman and a ho so if you text or call and you don't hear from me you know which one you must be:)

   knows that hangovers are Gods way of saying you kicked ass last night.

   Sorry, constantly quoting random bible scriptures isnt going to convince me. I could quote one the Twilight books and be just as profound. Twilight Eclipse, Chapter one verse three, "The."

   knows that arguing with you is like running a race in the Special Olympics, you might win but in the end your still a retard.

   Knows that some people are like slinkies, there not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.