Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   lmaoshmsfoaidmt = laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco

   The liquor store advertised.. We De-Liver

   Starbucks is a terrible place to meet women. Everytime you buy them a drink they get more and more...alert......and talkative.

   Australian scientists are releasing photos of never before seen deep sea creatures.In related news, BP is releasing photos of never to be seen again sea creatures.

   the more reasons you hvae for achieving your goal,the more determined you will become

   just realised the phrase is "in with hate...out with love" I thought it was the other way....no wonder I have no friends left!

   I married my wife for her looks.But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

   Living the dream........if the dream was about doing laundry.

   Here is a great way to manage people; look for the good in them and then tell them about it.

   Getting older sucks, I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks, but now its more like a bounced check.

   I'm a lesbian and i'm ok. A butch all night and a femme all day.

   the reason you're afraid of the dark...

   sneezing + taking a leak + Morning wood= one big mess

   Imagine how huge those Japanese Facebook albums must be...

   I don't know why the FCC is always complaining about sex on tv. A little sex on tv never hurt anyone.....unless you fall off.

   I don't see why people are so against gay marriage. I don't have a problem with it. Their main argument is that gay marriage would tear the social fabric. Do you think gays would do anything to harm fabric?

   there is so many fun things to do at home that alot of people don't really think about doing but would if they were told about it.. Sitting in Hot tub and playing wii at the same time is one of them."

   I like the Summertime. But What I like the most is Women, Video Games, Pizza and Beer. So if I get all of those at the same time, then I've pretty much found my Center in the Sun."

   ‎- My missus was so sick this morning........That I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast....

   The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything