Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You think not drinking sucks? Try being the only sober guy in a 3am game of Texas Hold 'Em!

   A completely unattractive woman is hitting on me at the bar. I'd drink until she's cute but the bar closes in 9 hours...

   The fact that I don't feel an ant crawling on me until it bites me makes me think that ninja school I went to was a total sham.

   If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you... Take the hint you dumn b*tch...

   The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.

   Just saw a girl in a regular wheelchair holding onto her boyfriend's motorized wheelchair. Dude, she's totally using you!!

   World Cup Finals... Its Heineken vs. Sangria. screw it, lets get drunk!

   I'm not drunk... I'm just tired from drinking all day!

   I hate when my foot falls asleep... it usually means it's going to be up all night!

   Man tried to hitch on an Airbus by hiding inside the landing tire... people say he was terminally ill! what a turbulent life...

   Actors in India must hate always being type-caste!

   I heard Cialis has a new spokesman... Randy Johnson!

   Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.Paddy says "that was great, I wonder how the girls got on?"

   To sum up: yes, I cried like a baby during Toy Story 3, even more than I did at the end of The Human Centipede.

   Papers - Bowl - Crusher = TIN FOIL N FINERS.

   Holy $hit look at Steve Stricker go! If I'm ever golfing and I say I'm at -26, thats not my score, it's how many balls Iost!

   Iron man is a superhero...iron woman is a command

   Hangovers are for people foolish enough to stop drinking.

   efore deciding whether you will stay up all night, you should sleep on it.

   Lady, there is a differnece between "Love Handles" and "Tail Lights"