Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.

   ▒▒broke his sta▒tus but ▒▒▒▒ a little duct tape goes▒▒ a long w▒ay....

   England are to change their shirts for the next game. The 3 lions will be replaced with 3 tampons to represent the worst period they've ever had!!

   This World Cup has turned out like World War 2! The French surrendered early, the USA arrive at the last minute and the English are left to fight the Germans

   If "Vampire In Brooklyn" had been a bigger hit, we could have all lived the rest of our lives without these damn "Twilight" movies .

   When I post a good status message that gets lots of comments, I feel like I just rode a bull for 8 seconds at the rodeo

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn.

   I hate it when you go to bed and you finally convince yourself that the spot on the wall is just a piece of dirt or something, and then it totally starts crawling towards you!

   Change is good..especially if you wear diapers!

   Why they play football while there is a Vuvuzela concert?This is Rude

   Attention bullies: if you're looking for lunch money, there are tons of nerds hoarding around outside Apple Stores right now.

   so we are all in the basement watching Dora. And, Dora and Boots can not figure out how to get pass this big red line when Max (10 yr old) says, "It's the border Dora! You are not supposed to cross it!"

   Forget a 5 star chick... I rather have a 6 flag chick... More flags more fun!!!

   going to give my pillow some head :0) and my sheets some ass.!! G"night!!!

   McDonalds faces potential lawsuit over happy meal. It contends that serving toys with unhealthy food is predatory. Where was this group when Micheal Jackson was alive?

   Love is best when it overflows freely from the heart, rather than you having to reach in to get your fill.

   Husband gets "I Love You" tattooed on his penis. He goes home to show his wife. His wife says "There you go again trying to put words in my mouth"

   never play leapfrog with a unicorn

   Will the person who keeps the electronic eye attatched to the toilets real sensative, please quit. I want to use the bathroom, not a bidet.

   Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.