Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get annoyed when houseguests take long hot showers... it fogs up my hidden camera lens.

   wondering if Sugar Daddies get anything for Father's Day?

   every movie is practically comin out in 3d, maybe thats why I feel cross-eyed

   Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first.

   I've got ADD and OCD so that means I've got something new to obsess about every 5 seconds.

   thinks chicken patties are just really big chicken nuggets...

   its no reason for being romantic anymore, because in 5 years she's gonna have half of everything and he'll be with babysitter!...

   maybe you should wait until the food cools before stuffing it in your mouth like you've never eaten b4 causing you to spit it back out and still be hungry....see how that goes

   Every woman on facebook wants to be a Model, Every man wants to do a model....so I guess it works out

   lets be REAL with ourselves.....if you say "no homo" after your sentence...ummm your homo

   wouldnt it be ironic if you died in the living room ?

   It'll be a while before hearing a commentator say: "Tiger Woods struggles to come from behind" doesn't make me giggle.

   7up made in Portugal will be banned in North Korea

   Does the North Korean World Cup team get to choose their method of execution when they get home?

   What is the difference between English soccer and Bill Clinton? Bill Clinton can score.

   Lady Gaga is a Yankees fan. Point: Mets.

   IEBER FEVER: Symptoms include elevated temperature, undergarment wetting and nine octave higher range while screeching. For those in proximity of sufferers symptoms include nausea, vomiting and desire to kick Justin Bieber in his empty sack gonads

   t is my sincere hope that your day is full of love and that you are a positive influence on the people who look up to you. It is also my sincere hope that Perez Hilton pours kerosone all over himself, down his throat and in his socks & immolates himself

   What is the difference between the English soccer team and an albatross? An albatross has 2 good wings.

   Osama Bin Ladin has announced he's giving up. It's too tough to compete with B.P