Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   marriage is really tough cause you have to deal with feelings....and lawyers

   went to the supermarket to buy some fresh food but could only find dead animals & plants...

   welcomes you to her profile. Straight jackets are by the wall, meds are in the boxes. Enjoy your stay, and please visit again!

   wants to know where in the rhyme it says Humpty Dumpty is an egg!

   enjoying deleting friends on Father's Day. I'm pretending I'm disowning my children.

   Dear Friday: You have been gone all week, no visit, no call, no nothing. For some reason your absense doesn't bother me, I am glad to see you again...so is my liver, Cheers!

   Happy Father's Day to all of the guys who have a kid and don't know about it.

   Today I want to say happy fathers day, and also say thanks to all the moms. just remember fellas without moms there would be no dads !!

   An yank walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Bud.The barman replied "You're American aren't you?" The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered?"The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest f**k I have ever seen”

   so far so good.... no unexpected father's day cards or presents!

   I must find time to practice for my vuvuzela recital.

   Happy fathers day to all you dads out there. ADVICE: Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. :)

   Im down to funnel three 40's and talk some $hit!!!

   I said I would never watch another 3-D movie after watching "Dirk Diggler" in Boogie Nights 3-D but Toy Story 3 kicked ass!

   It must be a real self-esteem killer for a fat lady if the show always ends after she sings.

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, and actually came back home.

   None of my illegitimate sons sent me a card today. B@stards.

   Judging by the lack of Fathers Day cards I received in the mail today, I'm guessing your m0m never told you.

   a single father of about 4 million kids swimming around fighting to make it to their mother's egg

   i believe in recycling.... see i'm wearing same clothes from yesterday !!