Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're never more indignant in life than when you're shopping in a store that you feel is beneath you and one of the other customers mistakes you for an employee of that store.

   If your blonde and you know it stomp your feet! *clap* *clap*

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ........... words will never f**king fail me !!!

   why can't we just get a big pair of pliers and crimp that oil leak shut??

   Not to be insensitive, but this oil spill better not affect my access to delicious pelican meat.

   saying AT&T promised bars in more places, but everywhere I go I see the same bars and the same drunks

   Less work. More aholic.

   it's not illegal it's frowned upon

   Bad news: I burned my finger on the toaster. Good news: 1 down, 9 stupid incriminating fingerprints to go.

   True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.

   Do it tomorrow. You've made enough mistakes for today.

   Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

   Why is in that in America they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

   Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

   A psychiatrist is a highly paid baggage handler.

   I think I found the solution for the global warming...we can send that guy that I now, who's responsible of 65% of gas emissions on earth, to space...and the problem will be solved.

   Those who criticize usually have nothing else better to do, or expect someone else to do it for them!

   If I had a dollar for every calorie I burned tonight, Id be in the hole 1200 dollars! Thanks Alot Papa Murpheys

   believes that knowing when to say nothin' is not easily learned and impossible to teach......

   seen some miniature american flags for sale today, said made in china, classic!