Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will always cherish the nice things I assume you are saying about me.

   Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

   My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

   The Skirt, skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your ass!!

   99 donuts cause the B!tch ate one

   How many days should you wait, before you tell your buddy that you didn't get the message, that he needed help moving?

   Lakers...Celtics....Lakers......Celtics...............um....Lakers.....Celtics............WHEN DA HELL DOES FOOTBALL season start!!!

   Had my accupuncture appointment earlier this afternoon, I discovered that I had to pee after about the 10th needle was put in me

   Awww! Isn't that sweet. Everyone's so in love from Facebook how long thats going to last.. like in relationship but its complicated WTF

   There's always a truth behind "JUST KIDDING", a little emotion behind "I DON'T CARE", a little pain behind "IT'S OKAY", a little "I NEED U" behind "LEAVE ME ALONE

   You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant...

   I'm more attractive when I'm sober, but I doubt I would want to sleep with you then

   In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat.

   I don't really know you , and I dont know how I added you to my facebook, but it says its your birthday today and to wish you happy birthday , so happy birthday mutha F@%$#&

   ..what makes Monday mornings so tolerable is my favourite mug filled with coffee and familiar faces filled with gossip..

   's mum wouldn't buy the excuse, so he/she offered it to her at half price!

   I'm not weird, I'm limited edition.

   You know you're getting old when you prefer nut clusters to marshmallows in your cereal.

   Too tired this morning to execute my plan for world domination

   Look out Mr. Boss Man, I had a Barney, two Wilma's and a Deeno before I came in so, let's get this show on the road, buddy-boy