Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The truth shall set ye free. But lying shall get ye a bunch of free sh*t.

   I'd like to kick Murphy's @ss for making any laws.

   When you were a kid, your biggest decision was "Duck Hunt or Mario Bros."

   my drinking team has a football problem

   My wife tells me I have A.D.D., that stands for Attention Deficit, hey it's beginning to storm outside.

   allergic to wasps and arrogant people.

   I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

   the world is hilarious, first swine flu then justin bieber then oil spill?!

   OK, I'm not sure what button I hit on Facebook's privacy settings, but I just found Mark Zuckerberg in my home going through my photo albums

   If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle.

   The Chinese are so advanced in technology, that they are already selling "Fifa World Cup 2010, South Africa - All the goals and highlights"

   constantly amazed at how peoples lips keep moving when they are talking through their arses !!!

   I bought a dog and named him Stay. Poor thing gets confused when I call him "Come here,Stay!" "Come here,Stay!"

   trying to figure out where deleted data off your mobile phone goes...?

   Two eyebrows are better than one.

   in the last stall of the men's/women's bathroom at the library. Could someone please bring me some toilet paper?!

   I don't think of Canada as a different country, I think of it more like, America's Hat, because they've always got us covered. Same goes for Mexico, I think of them as Americas Legs, because without them, none of the labor would get done.

   on a seefood diet,,,, I see food and eat it

   making love to your pregnant wife is like putting gas in a car you've already wrecked.

   Only spell it "errbody" if literally each person in the club is gettin tipsy.