Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water, all I have to do is defrost it!

   "Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away."

   A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

   Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

   i said something that changed the atmosphere at a dinner party yesterday... I said I hope no body is allergic to nuts... because I like resting mine on the table

   Life was much simpler when Apple's and Blackberry's were just fruits.

   "Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."

   Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have a little fun, stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

   Why hasn't BP used my solution yet to stop that oil leak? Simple AND brilliant...contact Tampax, have the worlds largest tampon made. Stick it in the hole....TADA, no more leaks...

   Quitting Facebook over privacy is like moving out of your house because you can't be bothered to lock the door....

   wonders how exactly does one wake up in the morning feeling like P.Diddy?

   is surprised that some group of backwoods pudknockers hasn't yet blamed President Obama for CAUSING the BP oil leak in the Gulf.

   The tip of the day: Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night!

   If you were arrested for kindness, would there be enough evidence to convict you?

   At the beach life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour but mood to moment. We live by the currents, plan by the tides and follow the sun.

   - I heard my mates's girlfriend say to him..."You'd be fitter if you exercised you lazy f**k".....I could't help myself interrupting and said to her...."You'd be a lot f**kin fitter if you were your sister"....

   Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.

   "Money cannot buy you happiness but id rather cry in my ferrari...."

   preparing for confession. Anyone have an unused condom?