Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe people these days. I was at church and the lady next to me lit a cigarette.....I damn near spilled my beer!

   To all who have worn the uniform of the United States Armed Forces……. from the first shots fired at Lexington in 1775, to the shots still being fired overseas this very day……. I salute you!

   With all that weight loss, 50 Cent looks like one of those crazy people from "I Am Legend"

   doesnt understand the whole deal about secrets. If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place

   just turned on cartoon network to watch spongebob squarepants, but the screen was all black........Guessing its oil

   i would have loved to have a gay dad .. coz all that stuff at school... my dad will beat up ure dad... I would have been able to say .. my dad would shag your dad ... and he would love it

   "Push for Power" at the Indy 500? Sounds like Mario Kart on the Wii. How long before Helio throws a little red turtle from his car to wipe out the guy in front of him?

   911: What is your emergency? / Sprint HTC Evo: Hi, I just murdered the iPhone.

   DVD is to VHS as facebook is to myspace

   I don't consider myself.. 'SINGLE & ALONE' I consider myself ' INDEPENDENT & AVAILABLE :3~)

   I'm in the mood for Sushi but the Japanese place near me doesn't take credit cards. I'm gunna have raw toast instead.

   I'm good at reading between the lines when I'm doing cocaine off of a Kindle™.

   Lather, Rinse, Repeat ... that's how they GET YOU !!!

   Q: How was David Copperfield born? A: He escaped from a condom!

   KIϟϟ+ACϟDC=greatest bands of all time

   Be who you are, not who others try to make you

   its POOP again....Don't put it out with your boots TED!!!

   I am afraid if I started selling my body I might end up on the cover of Forbes Magazine.....

   i'm speechless...what can I say?....i saw it comin b4 it happen...i felt the fart but i'm goin to shout my mouth let them blame the fat kid

   Apparently the phrase, "If you build it, they will come," doesnt apply to self constucted bedroom furniture from IKEA!