Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apparently when the interviewer asks if you speak any other languages, the appropriate response is NOT "Innuendo" followed by a saucy wink.

   Collecting my thoughts... I almost have a whole set!

   I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...

   I like to hit snooze a couple of times before I wake up, but my girlfriend likes to hit me a couple of times until I wake up.

   ..is having a threesome with two men tonight : Ben &Jerry. x

   In every Red Lobster tank, there's one lobster who says: "You guys are so paranoid! It's great here! I love the view!"

   Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the cl!toris is

   "This Cold Medicine Lasts 8 Hours" is the "I Promise I'll Pull Out, Baby" of the pharmaceutical industry.

   I disliked Obama before it was cool.......Yes I did!

   Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes remember it the next day.

   thinks Facebook keeps trying REALLY hard to connect me with people I'm desperately trying to avoid.

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included

   hates it when people use the drive thru ATM for anything more than making a withdrawl.. do your damn deposits inside

   Dont ever let your gaurd down, ever!..and when you think its ok to let your gaurd down that is the time when you should realllly keep it up!, waaaaaay up!

   I can't get enough minimalism

   It's pretty hot today, but I'll take the heat over the cold any time. Heat = slight sweaty discomfort; drink cold water as needed. Cold = Physical pain of the extremities; sit in a hot tub and dont get out until spring .

   The happiest sentence, ruined by one word: I'm getting laid. Off.

   When the forecast mentions isolated thunderstorms, I always think, "Why so emo, thunderstorm?"

   In response to using hay as an option to absorb the oil spill, Joe Biden said today that it was a great idea, and the seahorses and seacows would likely enjoy the delicious hay....

   If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it like I told you to do it in the first place!