Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a treadmill today.It's giving me a run for my money

   I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

   i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

   I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

   I woke up at 3am naked and holding a watermelon.

   Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

   Either she's wearing last night's clothes or she had alcohol and shame for breakfast.

   No you must have misheard. I said that the job was "below me".

   Ed Hardy makes condoms now? Fine by me. I think we can all agree that anybody who buys one probably shouldn't breed.

   I wish the rest of me was as tan as my left arm

   I wonder if Snoop Dogs favorite kind of weather is drizzle?

   Apparently a vacation is more important than honoring our fallen soldiers at Arlington....But don't worry, Obama will be back in DC next week to rub elbows with his celebrity friends as they honor Paul McCartney's many accomplishments. Jerk!

   I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources... :)~

   I think its high time we let our freak flags fly..... :)~

   When nothing goes right....go left.

   Tap, tap, tap,..is this thing on?. If it is all the same to you guys, can we skip right past Baseball season and move right on up to Football? Just a thought...

   - I was just about to nail some shelves to the wall.....Then I thought, screw it....

   You ever seen somebody so damn ugly the government should transfer their birthday to Halloween??....Yeah, me too.

   Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.

   Wingnut- Definition of a person that calls another individual a wingnut. Get over it!