Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   got a Black-Belt in Crazy!

   psychiatrist said I need to vent my anger... so I broke her nose and burnt down her practice

   Sigh. Guess it's time to go do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself inside our fridge and left a note "can't live like this"

   So if someone is born deaf, what language do they think in?

   I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

   has been told by many I need to watch my language on Facebook. So for everyone that doesn't like my language, "coitus you."

   Something about winning always attracts losers with opinions

   i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. God I miss college. a moment ago clear

   Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

   When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only I suffer!!!

   If your a Vegetarian to be nice to animals, why are you eating there food

   1.Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

   11.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

   18.I'd call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose.

   If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

   I have a busy day ahead... I have trouble to start; rumors to spread and people to argue with.

   Dear Facebook, Please stop asking me what's on my mind. I'm gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts to you.

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make.

   I do not have the time to listen to you whine, you melodramatic fool!!

   If the game doesn't freeze every 6 minutes, then you're not watching FOX.