Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beware! I'm armed and have pre-menstrual tension!

   I'm not breaking the rules ... I'm just testing their elasticity.

   Insanity is hereditary ... you get it from your kids.

   Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

   When you are not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish.

   If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

   Just joined a new group...DAMM: Drunks Against Mad Mothers

   Dear BP: Animals soaking up the oil is not a spill response plan.

   FOL = Fart Out loud

   It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.

   thinks that Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.

   Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

   a man bumps into his ex wifes new husband and asks " hows the second hand fanny ? " the man replies " it great thanks , after the first 3 inches , its like brand new !!! "

   Lady in the grocery store, your kid is about 4 years old, don't you think he needs to walk and not have his feet dragging in the stroller?

   Man: "Would you like to dance?" Woman:(looks at you up and down) "No thank you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood me. I said: "you look fat in those pants!"

   Think Big. Think Positive. Think Smart. Think Beautiful. Think Great. I know,that's too much for you, so here is a shortcut. JUST THINK ABOUT ME!

   hideing from "knuckles" the bookie, damn you Sugar Shane!

   Clinton ruined a dress Obama ruined a nation!

   worried that my latest Salvation Army donatin will have tons of women homeless women looking like sluts from the 90's...

   You know Law & Order is taking over the world when you see "SUV" in a headline and wonder what idiot missed a typo.