Funny Status Messages
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if you use "damn" as an adjective.... you might be a damn dumbass. 
I swear the question "what do you want to eat?" Leads to more fights then any other phrase..
I was on the exercise bike for almost 30 minutes just now. It was pretty easy. Tomorrow I may even try using the pedals.
Drake, Lil Wayne, and Nicki Minaj collaborating on a song together is like Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, and Aids teaming up to form a super STD
SWAG : Some Wizards Are Gay - Albus Dumbledore
I do not acknowledge the authority of this food court.
you can't let me into the club? Maybe my friend Benjamin Franklin can persuade you… *comes back 45 mins later in a bad wig, holding a kite*
haha this is so sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.
Can someone ask Al Gore how early Biden should show up at the VP debate? The altitude is 984 feet....I'm concerned
Sometimes, when I don't want my wife to find something,,, I put it in her purse.
Last night,,, I dreamt about Christopher Walken and Gilbert Gottfried rap battling...... (You're welcome, for that mental imagery)
Evidently,,,,,, my admirers are all secret
What would we do if the T-rex came back? Sadly, scientists believe weapons would be useless. However, we could humiliate them by forcing them to wear tiaras which their tiny arms could never remove.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
I prefer to describe myself as "delightfully difficult". And it would be easier if you agreed.
I hate getting old,,first you forget names,, then you forget faces,,then you forget to zip up your fly,, then you forget to unzip your fly....
If I start calling it 'Juniper berry juice', Gin becomes a health drink. RIGHT??
I just went outside and I'm completely swarmed by jobs. All over me. Can't get them off.......Help
As a man I accomplish 2 things well, 1. Fix things 2. Piss women off for trying to fix everything
If your significant other doesn't reply to your text within 5 minutes, they're out cheating on you. 