Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   come on now, you think Elin (Tiger's wife) would really walk away from all that money... She's not that crazy.

   somehow criminal lawyer seems slightly redundant

   cigarettes are just like ferrets, perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire...

   I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth

   Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same

   Man can believe the impossible, but can never believe the improbable

   The police NEVER think it's as funny as I do!.(;

   I TOOK A DRUG TEST THE OTHER DAY AND THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WHICH MEANS MY DEALER HAS SOME F*CKING EXPLAINING TO DO...

   Recently, my Visa card was stolen. Now, it's 'everywhere I want to be'.

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

   If it werent for the gutter my mind would be homeless!!!

   I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.

   I don't think of it as a mess... I just think it's nice having everything I own in plain sight and within easy reach at all times!

   OMFG I just saw this woman with Buckwheat in a headlock! Either that, or she's European.

   considering starting a Hooters for us girls. It will be called C*cks, feature a rooster instead of an owl, and only hire gorgeous, well-hung boy toys.

   when you think your life sucks, just remember that somewhere in the world is one poor b*stard named Mr. Pelosi....

   does not think of himself as fat, he thinks of himself as being famine and drought resistant.

   I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

   NCAA March Madness Bracket TIME OF DEATH: 11:33pm, 03-18-10

   it's not me or my actions that bug you, it's that you let them bug you.