Funny Status Messages
Search Messages:
Sigh...It's that time of the year to breakout the razor and stop looking like sasquatch! Ladies, you know what I mean! 
Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head. You look like a Pez dispenser.
I got charged with indecent exposure for telling jokes naked at Home Depot. In my defense, “stand up shower” is very misleading.
McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.
Those rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don't they?
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
If infants can enjoy their infancy why can't adults enjoy adultery?
The definition of attention seeking.. Updating your Facebook status in capital letters!
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile
"May your beer always be dry and your women always moist."
Hey, dude who's still lighting fireworks at midnight, nobody would notice a couple of gunshots right now.
I could really use one of those Chris Farley,, 'down by the river',, speeches right about now...
If we learn by our mistakes then I am getting a fantastic education.
The days when men knew how to treat women were the days when women knew their place.
Baracknophobia: A fear of four more years.
The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel.
They say money doesn't buy happiness, so I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone and test out that theory for $100,000,000. I promise to document any frowning while paragliding, jet skiing, driving a Lambo or flying in my G5
WARNING: Unhealthy relationships may cause headaches, stress & a waste of your time. The cure for this is to be single. 