Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eat sugar Smacks,My piss smells like Sugar Smacks.Yes today will be a good day!

   I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.

   2013. The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to the comedy section.

   Rearrange the letters to spell an important part of the human body that is most useful when erect: PNESI [A. spine]

   I'm ambidextrous; I can drink and make love equally well with either my left or right hand.

   I didn't text you. Vodka texted you.

   When in doubt, put some booze in it.

   You can only say, “WTF?” so many times a day, until you just decide to start drinking.

   Regardless of what they say, Romance is NOT dead. It's just playing dead. Kiss someone's lips to resuscitate it.

   Did anyone ever find out who let the dogs out?

   I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work.

   Bodies always understand each other, even when the souls do not.

   Last time I was upset, my dog brought me all of his toys and laid on my head.

   Sometimes I wish I was like my calendar, it always has dates.

   Your mumma's so fat when she goes to McDonalds they ask her what she doesn't want

   Happy March 14, Steak and BJ day. Thanks Tom Birdsey!!!

   I have no idea, buy I'm craving Pi like crazy today!

   The key to staying relevant? Don't die.

   Encyclopaedia Britanica is going out of print after 244 yrs & I know that for a fact cos I read it on the Internet.

   ...If you look at LIFE like a piano - where the white keys represent happiness & the black keys represent sadness.. As life goes on, you realize the black keys make the music too...(",)