Funny Status Messages

   Maybe my microwave is leaking radiation, but I could swear Orville Redenbacher just asked me if I can keep a secret from my mommy and daddy.

   "Um...I'm getting paid overtime for this, right?" --my liver

   Someone puked on my sister's front steps last night. Signs pointing to me. Looking for clues.

   I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   Shouldn't a "landing strip" actually be NO hair in the middle with hair to the sides?

   I'm not sure what the worst penalty in football is but Madonna performing at the halftime of the Super Bowl has got to be it.

   Every time someone asks me for directions, I navigate them to the nearest bar or strip club. That will teach them to buy a GPS.

   A lot of independent women wish they had someone to depend on.

   Roses are red, vi0lets are fine...I'll be the 6, if you be the 9

   Just attempted to lick my own b@lls for the 105th time, i'm getting closer every day!

   Sometimes I like to send a text un purpose to the wrong person to see their reaction

   A girl plays with your mind. A woman explores it.

   Confuscius Say: "One cannot find what one is looking for with head up a$$."

   party at camp crystal lake tonight all "people I may know" are invited.

   Why is the Arab world pissed about the video of Marines peeing on dead bodies? A lot of people enjoy getting peed on judging from the number of videos I found trying to find the video in question.

   My life's an open Facebook

   12/21/12 falls on a Friday. Looks like the world's had enough of Rebecca Black.

   Friday the 13th, eh? I bet there's a lot of killer parties going on tonight!

   I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.

   It is impossible to defeat an ignorant person in an argument.