Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   now on two diets...because she was still hungry after just one

   caffeinating.

   wondering if they could invent a self cleaning oven, why can't they invent a self cleaning house?

   playing loud music to keep from hearing her own thoughts

   if I wanted patience I would have been a doctor!

   The only difference between the lead singer of Hanson and Justin Bieber is that we know Bieber is a girl!

   All I want in this world is some one I can turn to and yell, "Avenge Me!!" if I'm dying or wrongly accused of a crime. Oh and rocket shoes

   If women just did the same things they did while auditioning for the ring after they got the ring there would be less divorce

   The devil is not in Georgia today unless he teamed up with the Iceman.

   Lost 9lbs in one day using a new diet, where I ran to the bathroom every 5 minutes for 24 hours. The stomach virus DVD workout will soon be out!

   Another tragic reported, almost a 100 ducks fell in Glendale Az lastnight, sunday about the same amount of eagles fell in Philly, I wanna know whats going on with all these birds!!! Whats next? Falcons? Ravens? Its all crazy to me!

   I tYp3 LyK tHi5 cuz i'm cool, No..you type like that because you failed English Now go to preschool and ‘Type like this.'

   Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

   so, Snooki didn't want to write a book about herself, so she rights a novel about the crazy fun at the Jersey Shore...and even has a character named Snooki in the book. Brilliant idea lady!

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   We use 300muscles to keep our balance when we stand, The length of a penis is 3 times the length of the thumb the femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's.A woman has read this entire post..a man is stil lookin at his thumb

   Facebook partly responsible for flat wide asses across the globe

   You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you alot and think of you often.

   Great! My Mayan doctor just said I have less than a year to live ..

   Australia has officially chnaged it's name to ATLANTIS