Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn't convenient at all.

   if you go from a smarthphone to a regular cell phone, you are automatic taken back to 2003 where we all lived like savages

   I like the way you think. It's almost as if you don't.

   I was painting the ceiling when my wife comes in and asks if I'm holding the brush tight, I said yes, why? I was told, "I'm taking the ladder!"

   Turning on Parental Control...restricting my wireless network so my mother cannot go on Facebook at certain times.

   gonna go to church to confess my sins but I drank so much last night I can't remember them.

   You know you've been facebooking too much when you're watching TV and you try to unfriend a channel. 

   I am drawn to people that seek the truth, but avoid those that profess to have found it. Take a hint preachers.

   I expected the Eagles to loss. All the birds are dying anyway...makes perfect sense.

   forget to put your pants back on one time coming out of the fitting room at walmart and suddenly you're a "weirdo" who is no longer "welcome" in the store

   Allergy alert: This status may contain peanuts.

   looking at photos and seeing how much weight I've gained which has inspired me to make a resolution for 2011: NO MORE PHOTOS!

   We can put a man on the moon. Create a device the cooks food in minutes if not seconds. We have GPS and smart phones. But we can't even cure the common cold??

   says its so cold today, that I just seen on the news that the fire department rushed to the strip club to pry 2 ladies from a pole.

   says it is so cold outside, that even the guy at the gas station had a towel on his head!

   Being a doctor who performs circumsion, I took all the foreskin tips to a taxadermist who made me a wallet. Great thing if you rub it a certain way it turns into a suitcase.

   So the Packers beat the Eagles. They might beat the Falcons. Then possibly the Seahawks and then meet the Ravens in the SuperBowl... Wow! All those teams would be in a Fowl mood !

   I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. Guess she heard her killer coming.

   I've met many believers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

   Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink... But if you must lie, lie in the arms of you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death., and if you must drink, drink in the moments that takes your breath away....