Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's always I before E. Isn't that weird?

   would really like to own a meat factory. My favorite line to scream at the employees would be "GET TO THE CHOPPA!"

   wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section

   we need more fathers and less sperm donors

   What I miss most about having kids in diapers is that there was always a constant supply of diaper rash cream for the mornings after I ate Mexican food.

   Just finished reading the book, "What Women Want". It was a pretty lengthy but interesting I guess. I figured I would follow it up and read, "What Men Want", but I found out that it was just a pamphlet

   all females should smile it's the second best thing you can do with your lips

   what you dont see with your eyes dont witness with your mouth

   gots 99 problems and a fifth of rum. Problems solved.

   war does not determine who's right, only who's left

   The only phrase I remember growing up was, "Don't put your hands back there!".

   Let my friends talk me into smokin "chronic" for the first time last night but I prob. should've skipped my Ambien dose. Apparently, I started and completed my first book.."101 Ways to Prepare Succulent Penguin"...I didn't even know you could eat Penguin

   I always thought differently than the other kids in school. Teacher asked us if we could be any animal we wanted what would we be. I said, "A Bird". Teacher said, "So you can fly"? I said, "No, so my sh*t can be white".

   just risked a car accident to type this...

   a guys favorite line to a female "we'll just lie here and cuddle"

   If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember... you can always change your birthday on Facebook

   "I am, is the shortest sentence in the English language, funny how "I do" is the longest!!

   everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

   One of the greatest advantages about having a child in diapers is that there is always a constant supply of Desitin for the mornings after I ate some wings or Mexican food.

   The AVN Awards (adult videos) is being held this Sunday in Las Vegas, NV; though it's a hard time for the movie industry, there no losers just wieners.