Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if carrots are so good for your eyes, then why are there dead rabbits all over the road?

   Dear Hillbilly from AR on the news last night, I am sure that all the dead birds in your town were not from Aliens invading earth, I'm positive that if invaders have the technology to come to Earth and wanted to scare you, throwing birds at you would no

   2011....Who's ready for another lap around the Sun?

   wondering why most people begin to hide their friends list in facebook!

   Sometimes on FB, I intentionally post a status that is not freakin hillarious, just so my friends think I'm human

   Sometimes I wish the Wizard of Oz was real. I know people that could benefit from a trip to see him. Downside would be flying monkeys flinging poo. I haven't figured out all the Pros v Cons, but I'm leaning towards flying sh!t bombs. I hate stupid people.

   Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the reply-all jackass in every mass email.

   The numbers game. Posting a cartoon character as your profile pic. Truth is... All so 2010. New start this year, poke all your friends and delete the ones that don't poke back.

   If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.

   Dear Drama Queens who cry ab not every status being hillarious.. Isnt that the point? You scroll through all the crappy ones, kill a little time in ur day then BAM got one!!! Sorry we cant just hand you everything in life.

   I just looked down at my shoes and one of them is not right.

   has 12 episodes of A&E's "Hoarders" recorded on his DVR and he just can't throw any away.  

   If your New Year's resolution involves less drinking, debauchery or cursing, then it involves less of me.

   The defendant was acquitted of stealing twenty-three bottles of beer. Prosecutors couldn't make a case of it.

   I've always been suspicious of people who operate their Christmas lights after New Years day.

   Yo mamma so fat she use a ipad as iphone

   500 birds fell out of sky in Louisiana too? OK that's it, something crazy is going on. Where's Fox Mulder when you need him?

   There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??

   With all these birds falling out the sky, I won't be eating Chinese anytime soon....

   I don't need to watch "Desperate Housewives". I have Face book !