Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber nominated 4 two Grammys? Well, you go girl.

   Have you heard about the new movie, 'Constipation'? It hasn't come out yet.

   just saw a commercial for cat litter that is so good, it claims it is "double duty" acting... I think they should have spelled it "double DOODIE"!

   What's love got to do with it.....all I said is I wanted to have sex ;)

   Dear Santa, My wish 4 this year is a big, fat bank account & a slim body. Pls don't mix these 2 up like you did last year!!!!!

   I hate to break it to you, fatty, but shaving and leaving just a line of facial hair along your jaw line is not going to make your double chin disappear, it'll make you look even fatter.

   I once could hear everything but your cries..but now I cant hear anything but your silence....

   I would respond to your last question, but I am really tired of speaking stupid!

   When he says "We could be friends".. I feel like replying " We COULD be rare specimen of an exotic breed of dancing african elephants, But we are not... Atleast, I'M not !!

   Dear kids, there is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents love, Wikileaks

   would like to see a more man-friendly mall for next Christmas. It needs to have a Home Depot, AutoZone, Bass Pro Shop, Lowe's, Sears, Gander Mtn, Pep Boys, a Longhorn Steakhouse and ESPN radio playing over the christmas tunes.

   When you send me a message that starts off "I remember how much fun we had!" in your friend request...Please take the profile picture of your grandmother with the new baby down. That scares the hell out of me!

   I always like to keep a "trial size" hand sanitizer with me at all times. Not to keep my hands clean, but in case I have to "fake" sneeze on the back of someones head for being an idot or slow.

   I hate it when elderly women try to trick you. Like when they make chocolate chip cookies, and you take a bite only to notice it's filled with raisins and not chocolate chips! EVIL I tell you ...those cheapskates!

   When the doctor says "drop your pants" I can never resist the urge to say "ooooohhh....Kinkeh!"

   I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle.

   Go ahead, try and hang them with care and see if that holds. I'm hanging my stockings with tacks this year.

   Don't wait for the perfect moment...Take the moment and make it perfect!

   So, Terrelle Pryor gets suspended, but Cam Newton gets a Heisman? Oh, ok, that's fair

   Thinks given the choice between Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, I would prefer Parkinson's. I would rather spill a little beer rather than forget where I put it.