Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New entertainment. I go to a FB friends wall that I rarely talk to and I keep going back to the oldest post I can find from them and press like. This really confuses them. Especially, if it's them just asking someone you don't know how they are

   Its so cold I'm thinking about roasting my chestnuts on an open fire!

   If New things are supposed to be an improvement over their previous version, I would really hate to visit the original Jersey.

   My mom woke me up today at 2, I was so hung over, she told me I needed to get a job, I told her I got 3 last night.

   Oh Facebook! you go through more Design Changes than Women do wid clothes!!

   Merry Winter Solstice....sugar coat it all you want with your own personal ignorance

   My doctor recently took me off all my medications. It turns out I'm really an 82 year old man named Morris from Staten Island.

   Christmas shopping is a pain in the cash.

   All I want for Christmas is a Komodo Dragon named Pookie.

   I hate the way cats stare like they got something on you.

   I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my girlfriend into 8 different pubs without a drink, and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

   Winter Weather: where a couple of inches will keep a woman in bed all day.

   I'm never disappointed. everything happens for a reason. I jus get pissed waiting to see what dat reason was exactly.

   Fricken spellcheck. Looks like Santa will be bringing me a nice piece of glass this year.

   I'm an angel, the horns are just there to keep the halo straight

   Santa is too real! I saw him outside the liquor store last night and he smells of Bourbon and Marlboros.

   I'm sending my friends Justin Beiber CDs because fruitcake is a traditional Christmas gift.

   I am going to open a coffee house and charge more than Starbucks. The sign above my cafe will be written ever so elegantly, "Voler Votre Argent."

   thinks Santa should send all the naughty people Justin Bieber CDs instead of coal for Christmans

   With the fuel prices as high as they are, I'm actually hoping for coal this year!