Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think...

   The best revenge is success, or laxatives in cookies. ;)

   Its called investigating - NOT stalking!!

   Realizes that the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

   I have been hit hard with the "Your kids will turn out just like you" curse!

   Coffee's poured? Check. Facebook's running? Check. So far so good. Now I'm ready for the day to go to hell as usual.

   #891... you didnt inbox me a number but I've always wanted to say this to you. Your depressing posts piss me off to no end! You need a haircut, I dont think he loves you anymore either, and I really dont give a Shi! what adorable trick your cat did today!

   Sometimes you just gotta say "What is your major malfunction numb-nuts?"

   Thinks that you people are just lucky that I am so terrified of Prison!!

   Have you ever woke up wanting to smack someone for no apparent reason?

   Overheard at grocery: "Paper or plastic, sir?" "Doesn't matter. I'm bisacksual."

   Attention Please: Christmas has been canceled. Apparently when you told Santa you've been good this year, he died laughing.

   WOW! I've just seen who STALKS me on Facebook! You can too! = You just got hacked sucka!!

   Women just sit there and let it finish dripping, where as Men will shake it till it's all out....that's what I've noticed at the GAS pumps.

   Santa calls me a Ho three times when he sees me. Like he knows me or somethin...

   The hot neighbor chick snores. ...... When she's being watched....... From her closet. ..... Apparently!

   I'm pretty sure the Mayans just got tired of writing that calendar

   Someone needs to help Rihanna, she likes rude boys, loves it when people lie to her, and apparently forgot her name

   Banks today are sending out pre-declined offers!

   making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions