Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's the best advice of the day: If you call a psychic and they don't greet you by name, HANG UP!!!

   Above all else. Don't forget to smile. It either warms their heart or pisses them off. You win no matter what.

   I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

   having one of those days where I just want to light somebody's face on fire and try putting it out with a fork!

   Telling me I can't is like asking me to prove you wrong!

   My Christmas tree looks like Hell. I can get away with it though, because I'm a guy.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game were Big dots eating little dots while being chase by others dots who ran when my dot ate a special dot....

   Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.

   wondering if he's the only one who hears the theme to Get Smart when he walks down long hallways.

   In an effort to act my own age, I starting dating woman at 7 years younger than me as opposed to ones my own age.

   Nobody stops and considers with everyone getting cellphones, Clark Kent will have resort to Port-O-Potties to change into Superman. Not a very heroic image is it!?

   If you're not drinking falcon blood out of a boar's skull, .....we don't want to see your tribal tattoo.

   i used to believe in Faith and Destiny, then I found out they were strippers

   I propose we add a new day to the week and call it "Someday," just think of all the awesome stuff that would happen on it.

   ‎7-11 is developing a new wine.. It's said to pair well with poor life choices and sadness

   snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap

   I'm not a doctor, I just play one on the internet

   I know you people can't think everyone that messages you is a bouquet of roses. C'mon...tell people what you REALLY think of them. THAT would be more interesting to read!

   'Im not questioning your observation skills but am merely remarking on the paradox of asking a masked man who he is...'

   At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.