Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Grandpa...

   I've got ADD and OCD so that means I've got something new to obsess about every 5 seconds.

   watching Man vs. Food and wonders how many more food challenges can this guy take before he has a massive heart attack?

   True love is me texting you back before I die on call of duty instead of after

   Now over to world news: Good evening, the UN declared that they will be sending relief aid to Haiti in hopes that the victims of the...Oh..hang on.. this just coming in on the news wire..Lindsay Lohan was taken into custody today for probation violation..

   going to name her next pet Peeve.

   dear science, thanks for all your contributions lately, but is there a chance we can get some windshield wiper fluid infused birds anytime soon? Thanks:)

   At times, I really wish that my place of employment had a chimpanzee that gives you an ice cold beer when leaving the office as part of your benefits package

   When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement.

   I want a job in construction. I want to apply to be that guy who is never doing anything when you drive by slowly because they are merging lanes. this guy can usually be seen holding a cigarette and wearing his football teams logo on his hard hat

   STATUS, coming to a wall near you!

   Will watch the Movie : 2012 in 2013

   To be upset over what you don't have is to waste what you do have.

   MC Hammer arrested. STOP..... Slammer Time

   Someone please tell Facebook that all relationships are complicated.

   every 60 seconds in Africa, A minute passes.

   What I learned from Titanic was that you need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person you like cause you never know what might happen.

   Everything has gone to hell ever since Dennis Rodman visited North Korea, I wonder what he told them

   Trusting people these days should totally be the new adventure sport.

   Mario Kart is more fun if you imagine everyone's fleeing the scene of a brutal homicide.