Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Took my Dog to sign up for Welfare. The Clerk said that Dogs aren't eligible. I said why not, the Dog is unemployed, Lazy, Can't Speak English and doesn't have a clue who his Dad is.

   - My mates were arguing over whether a glass was half empty or half full. So I took the glass and put the contents into a smaller glass. Problem f***ing solved...

   How come when you open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?

   Just saved a bunch of money on my Mental Insurance by switching to Psycho!

   Words of Wisdom: "Never go to bed with anyone crazier than you"

   If I am ever put on life support, pull the plug, wait 30 seconds and plug it back in. See if that works

   I don't see why people have to say in thier status they they are getting in the shower. I don't want to picture your bare fat behind in the shower!

   There's a first time for everything.......Except deja vu.

   It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes

   We all have chapters, in our lives, we don't want published. Be reminded though that it's those chapters which make the book worth reading.

   I'm going to admit myself into the Hokey-Pokey Institute and turn my life around.

   Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.

   Angelina Jolie needs to take some time off her busy schedule of feeding the hungry and poor in third world countries and feed herself for a change.

   just ordered a steak and they asked if I wanted it cooked rare, medium or tanning mom

   When a job interviewer asks, "Where do you see yourself in five years?", it's a test to see if you own a time machine.

   I hope Jessica Biel names her first kid Batmo.

   Told the 7-11 clerk if I win on this lotto scratcher, I'd share. Now here I stand, $2 richer, trying to explain to him I lied.

   Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I'm calling Santa!"

   Tankruptcy - (ˈtæŋk rʌpt si) The act of watching your car's gas gauge move from 'Empty' to 'Full' while your checking account balance simultaneously moves from 'Full' to 'Empty'.

   Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.