Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.

   As soon as you get in a relationship, everyone wanna send you that 'I miss you' text.

   Not sure about the footballs, but Katy Perry's chest appears properly inflated.

   Black lives matter only when killed by a white. Those killed by other blacks don't seem to matter as much.

   R.I.P. Mr. Steinbrenner... I never really "hated" your Yankees, just wish you would have bought the Braves!

   Dont blame me. I voted for Trump.

   For next season's "Survivor" series, let's get 16 college millennials and force them to live in the real world.

   Had dinner with a girl tonight! Ok so maybe she was on the tv, but we were eating at the same time so I'm counting it.

   If I'm on a date & it's bad, I'm just gonna stand up & say, "I'm an actor, they're all actors, & you're on MTV's Disaster Date!" & RUN out.

   This sign says "in case of fire, do not use elevator." haha! Seriously? Who would be dumb enough to try to put out a fire with an elevator.

   Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.

   When I meet someone and I get a "Nice weather we are having..." I say, "My dog's toys taste salty!" I find it moves the conversation along.

   Can anyone recommend a good website where people I knew in high school post pics of their meals?

   I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.

   Hey dumb ass. Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with, Hey dumb ass.

   Magic trick: Take your age, subtract three, now add three. That's your age.

   Only God can Judge Me!....and some family, a few friends, the neighbors, definitely a couple co-workers! And all my Facebook friends!!!

   Jehovah's witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.

   How exactly is carrying a screaming two year old different from playing the bagpipes?

   Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?