Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up its the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   To the lady I just read about in the personal ads. It's all in how you word things. Don't say you are divorced and have 3 kids. Say you are experienced and have 3 tax deductions.

   I don't keep a gun in my house but I do have a carefully positioned cactus.

   I find it hard to sing the Beach Boys without using my "girl" voice.

   When someone says ¨ I'm so pissed off I can't even think straight anymore¨ does that mean they are having homosexual thoughts?

   Paperclip: The staple for people with commitment issues.

   Donald Trump is no longer president. If you're still talking about him, then it sounds like you have an unhealthy obsession with Trump but ok.

   Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer.

   it bad when I'm talking to myself and I'm not even listening?

   I appreciate that Motel 6 will leave the light on for me, because otherwise, I'm certain I would be murdered in their parking lot.

   Guy in the bathroom: In the Army they taught us to wash our hands after taking a leak. Me: In the Marine Corp they taught us not to piss on our hands.

   Due to tonight's lack of sleep, tomorrow has been cancelled.

   A couple is having sex and suddenly the boy stops and his girlfriend says "What are you doing?" The boy says "I've seen this on a porn once, it's called buffering"

   Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.

   What did the left butt cheek say to the right? "If we stick together, we can stop this sh*t!".....

   The old saying "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"....is it? Or maybe you just need to get up off UR lazy ass and mow the lawn, water it, pull some weeds, fertilize it, take care of your own grass and stop looking over the fence

   I will start carrying “like” stickers and put them on people's forehead when they say something funny.

   I think I'm more shocked that rodney king had a swimming pool than that he is dead

   Anyone else with a Blackberry wanna play Draw Nothing?

   I smiled today. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow!