Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Breaking News: Miley Cyrus to star in prn movie called "Hannah Does Montana" 
I bet if you look up "dictionary" in the dictionary,, it just says "this."
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don't really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don't really mean it.
Allstate says your rates won't go up if you have an accident. Yeah, because they will cancel your policy!!
Sleeping naked tonight. I'm leaving this world the same way I entered it. Naked.
My life is a constant panic attack occasionally interrupted by a nap
I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.
Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p orn. It's a fight to the finish now.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2019,,,,, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
That hilarious moment when someone tries to make you jealous, when you honestly don't give a fuck.
Heck with the 7 Dwarfs, I have: "Not me"; "Don't know"; "Wasn't Home"; "Not Mine"; "Didn't use it last"; "Haven't Seen it" & "I'm Not Doing It!" living with me
If you're in line, and the person in front of you doesn't notice the line moving, how soon can you shove them before it's considered rude?
I can't believe our parents used to have to sit & wait for someone to develop their film before they could show off pictures of their food.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back knocking on your door with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Thursday Night Football on the same time during the Vice Presidential debate....well played NFL, well played.
The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.
I wish judging other people burned calories!
Dreamt I went to the gym so, I'm counting that as a workout.
Hey, everybody under 25 just shut up for like FIVE minutes.
What!? High schools with daycare centers!!....Now see what you did MTV by having that 16 & Pregnant mess! I hope you're happy. 