Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "So You Think You Can Tickle A Polar Bear" is a show that I would love to watch.

   Thanksgiving is for thanking, not shopping..

   I told everybody at work that I've got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.

   Prison counts as a gated community, right?

   My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn. I told her, I love my car but I still watch NASCAR

   My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it's either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke..... in which I talk about having a wife.

   No party would be complete without that creepy guy sitting in the corner.

   The best part about working from home is the alcohol.

   I snuck in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.

   Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.

   You know those bugs that fly into your windshield? Those were the married ones.

   I pulled my wife's hair this morning. First, from the shower drain and then from my toothbrush.. Really wasn't all that hot, honestly.

   If you invite me to a party please make sure to have a cat or dog present so I have someone to hang out with.

   If Iron Man and Man of Steel were to team up, they'd be powerful alloys.

   Pretty sure birds wake up and spend 2 hours asking each other where the Sun is.

   Pool party at my house, Bring your own pools.

   This heat makes people do crazy things... Like talk to me.

   People don't hate you because you're beautiful. They hate you because being beautiful made you a stuck up b*tch.

   If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs

   Coffee , because beating the crap out of people is illegal.