Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile... and how many times. ツ

   People are busting my balls because I still have a landline. I can't get rid of it though because it matches my abacus....

   Making all day plans on the weekend always sounds fantastic. Right up until the time my alarm goes off and I remember I hate getting up early on weekends and I don't really like other people.

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water I won't need a watch.

   bit another finger trying to eat way too many french fries at once

   streaming Netflix's through a Blackberry tandem modem. Please don't call. The good part is coming up!!

   I just skimmed through 50cent tweet page. I can't believe the guy's only been shot nine times.

   I just saw a car that had The Club locked onto the steering wheel, a car phone, a beaded seat cushion, and a fuzzy steering wheel cover. The only logical explanation for this is that this car is a time machine.

   I'm always hearing stories of people posting "Inappropriate" pics on Facebook....Why are none of YOU showing me nude pics my friends????

   You know your life is boring when happy hour is when the kids take a nap.

   ‎"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows."

   I will always forgive you, I only want you to realize what you have done wrong.

   hates walking into nasty smelling bathrooms knowing after you leave the next guy in line always thinks you did it... as you fight the urge to notify him it was like that when you got there

   Cooking Tip: Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute

   Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.

   LIFE INSURANCE: a contract that keeps you poor so you can die rich

   Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy

   In the lives of our grandchildren and great grandchildren, OUR iphone and ipad will be THEIR rotary phone and notepad.

   You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called "going commando"? It seems to me it wouldn't be useful in a combat situation.

   Sometimes the dreams that come true are dreams you never even knew you had.