Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm happy Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman but I'd be even happier if his stepdaughters transitioned into oblivion

   I'm extremely happy which can only mean that life is going to get real fucky here any minute.

   Exercise, eat right, get good sleep, take your vitamins...die anyway.

   Personal log: "We are not even close."... *-Romans building Rome, end of day 1

   Thanks for the womb and board, Mom!

   I really admire people who exercise. This cake is dedicated to you.

   Now that prom season is over parents can start focusing on what's important like graduation and their daughters next period.

   Man at the dog park: Who's a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL???? Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

   If a vegan falls in the woods and there's nobody there to listen to them talk about being a vegan, are they still annoying?

   I want dogs to be allowed at more places and I want children under 8 to not be.

   Did you know that if you decapitate a Vegan the head can continue talking about being a Vegan for 8 minutes before it dies?

   It took dozens and dozens of flushes, but my guinea pig's funeral is finally over.

   I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.

   My trust issues are so bad that I don't even believe people when they use their turn signals.

   No more Game of Thrones for my husband. Every time I eat a donut he follows me around the house saying "Shame. Shame. Shame."

   Ashley Madison's servers were hacked, just in case your husband seems really nervous today for no reason...

   Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna run out of status material... Then I look around at my family and I'm like, naaa I'm good.

   I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch

   Not to cause a panic but i'm starting to think we're running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.

   FACT: Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.