Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys, putting the word “Swag” in your Bio is a good way of telling girls you didn't finish school & your job is selling crack on the corner.

   Stupid people should be made to pay for Oxygen.

   People with kids, your p0sts are all the birth control I need.

   I wonder if the people who live above me will let me come up and pet their elephants...

   Oh, let's play that love game where you ignore me constantly and it kills me inside, then I start ignoring you too and it gets your attention!

   I'm so good in bed...I'll make you forget your safe word.

   Remember,,, The worst things in life are free, too

   If you don't love me at my worst, good call. I wouldn't put up with me either.

   You would think dressing spiders up as clowns would make them less scary, but it doesn't, it's way worse, I was so wrong on this one.

   Why don't they give hurricanes epic names like cyclone of doom or the fate fairy instead of frikken Sandy.....

   Just saw a homeless man with a blue tooth. It was his only tooth.

   Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

   The smallest compliment from the right person, changes the whole game.

   New drinking game for election night coverage. You take a drink every time the say "Ohio" and "Too close to call"

   Papa John's out in Denver bout to make some money since weed is legal... Smart investment Peyton Manning

   The true test of any loving relationship is having two phones and only one functioning charger.

   To me, drink responsibly means don't f?cking spill it

   I don't like using public restrooms,,,, Mostly because I've seen the public.

   My latest superpower is waking up one minute before my alarm goes off..... It's actually a very stupid superpower.

   The only time a woman succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby