Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Victoria's Secret: objects in this t-shirt may be smaller than they appear.

   You can't get on your feet until you get off your ass.

   No matter how little I do in a day....I always feel like I could have done less.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

   I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. ‘Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?

   I made eye contact with someone in traffic and then didn't let them merge. I feel like a James Bond villain.

   knows one thing about the speed of light -- It always gets here way too early in the morning.

   changing the name of MTV to Empty V. Thanks to shows like the Hills, this channel officially sucks balls now

   thinks whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never sold marijuana...

   You wouldn't believe how much time it's taken for me to send this Facebook Status update from a payphone.

   says single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and then go to the fridge..........

   I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??

   I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.

   Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking friday.

   Who else thought the ad for the new World of Warcraft game was a preview for a new kick ass Kung-Fu Panda movie?

   If I rule the world first thing I'll do is add a extra day into the weekend right after Saturday.. It will be called Matterday... It won't matter what you do that day

   I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.

   There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....

   Farted on the bus, 4 people turned around, felt like i'm on "The Voice"

   You're never going to change the world by trying to fit in.