Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Chinese dudes jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

   You don't have a valentine on valentines day? Some people don't have a mother on mother's day or a father on father's day so shut up

   Dear Santa, I don't want anything for Christmas except for the person reading this to have an amazing Christmas.

   Wondering why people with food stamps drive escalades?

   You had me at "my giant boobs make my back hurt"

   So I was at the park flying my kite and this random guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"

   If a white cop had hit Adrian Peterson's 4 year old son like that, cities would be on fire and stores would be looted...

   This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear..... I'm just fat.

   To all the people who think they don't need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?

   Funny how they wanna friends AFTER they stomped, crushed, torched, ripped, backstabbed and oh yeah....broke your heart.

   A true Solider is Someone that fights not because He Hates whats infront of HIm but Loves What is behind him

   i just fitted a strobe light in the bedroom....it makes it look like the wife's moving during sex

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

   thinks 'friends with benefits' should came with a health care package..

   The best way to get high for free is to tell potheads you've never smoked before.

   You can tell a lot about a girl by her hands. For instance, if theyre placed around your throat shes probably a violent person.

   Friend: "Whats a good movie?" Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about?" Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"

   Dear food commercials, Nobody eats in slow motion with their eyes closed. Sincerely, normal people.

   The only person I'm better than is the person I was yesterday.

   Next time you try talking to a group of people who claim they can't speak English, just say, “Ok, I'm about to punch everyone who's shoes are untied.” You'll be amazed at how many people will look down.