Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: Wear two eye patches,, so people know you're serious about being a pirate.

   Watching this cool nature show about a bunch of apes who think they can sing. It's called "Glee" or something.

   If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.

   Laxatives: check the traffic report before taking one.

   I think it's cool the way they let the Cardinals pick the pope and not the Cubs or Yankees

   I bought a smart phone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

   I wonder how many times in the past I was wrong before she entered my life and started keeping track?

   I'd rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.

   Did Miley Cyrus have a stroke or was she doing that with her tongue on purpose

   Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it.

   People that say "money doesn't buy happiness" obviously have never been divorced.

   If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I dammit.

   Today is 4/20, or as the people of Colorado call it, Saturday.

   Singer Jacqueline Simpson Sues McDonald's because her voice is damaged from glass in a sandwich, music fans commented who is Jacqueline Simpson ?

   Recent statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian Roulette

   It's Friday! The only two who aren't excited about that are my bank account and my liver.

   I'm really good at making poor decisions. You're my favorite so far

   Yo Mayans, I know you all did your thing and everything, but the dinosaurs had the best apocalypse ever.

   The heart wants what it wants. To pump blood to the rest of your body. Oh and for you to stop blaming it for your stupid actions.

   Are those Chinese tattoos on your neck the symbols for unemployment?