Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I'm just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.

   A watched pot never boils, but an un-watched pot boils over, so I don't know what you want from me life!

   Move your office desk into the elevator and ask people who get on if they have an appointment.

   In honour of the olympics I suggest we start a synchronized drinking team..... Whose in? :D

   Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...

   It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favorite Kardashian.

   [ ] Democratic party [ ] Republican party [x] Pizza party

   No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.

   Happy New Year everybody! I know its a bit early but I often suffer from premature congratulations.

   To pay for my funeral, I'm going to sell tickets and DVDs of my death-bed confession and I will be accepting bribes from people to be left out of it.

   *Lance begins to cry. Oprah leans in* I think what you need Lance is a....performance enhancing hug

   The perfect day is one where the only decision you have to make is which drink to order.

   My Facebook device received a phone call today........ Weird

   I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that post to thirty people."

   According to my roommate's diary, I have boundary issues.

   I'm "used to get kicked off the internet when the house phone rang" years old.

   Apparently going to coffee with your friends and coming back drunk is frown upon by management .

   Your perception of me is a reflection of you.

   Telling a woman she looks tired is like slapping a lion in the face under the assumption that you're walking away intact.

   Every once and a while you come across a person that makes you reevaluate your dating standards, I'm probably that person.