Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.

   Happy New Year everybody! I know its a bit early but I often suffer from premature congratulations.

   To pay for my funeral, I'm going to sell tickets and DVDs of my death-bed confession and I will be accepting bribes from people to be left out of it.

   *Lance begins to cry. Oprah leans in* I think what you need Lance is a....performance enhancing hug

   The perfect day is one where the only decision you have to make is which drink to order.

   My Facebook device received a phone call today........ Weird

   I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that post to thirty people."

   According to my roommate's diary, I have boundary issues.

   I'm "used to get kicked off the internet when the house phone rang" years old.

   Apparently going to coffee with your friends and coming back drunk is frown upon by management .

   Your perception of me is a reflection of you.

   Telling a woman she looks tired is like slapping a lion in the face under the assumption that you're walking away intact.

   Every once and a while you come across a person that makes you reevaluate your dating standards, I'm probably that person.

   Just replied to an ad offering me hot sex with an older woman. Should be interesting. I am 86.

   twerking just shaking your ass? Why did we need a new word? Ass-shaking has served us well for centuries.

   So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

   I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

   It takes all of my self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.

   Attention: Person who used this porta potty before me, See your doctor soon.. Real soon.. Yesterday soon.... PLEASE

   In honour of the olympics I suggest we start a synchronized drinking team..... Whose in? :D