Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.

   Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1) Wearing leggings 2) Having an United Airlines ticket

   Sit back, relax and enjoy the fight... -United pilot welcoming passenger

   I don't go to the mailbox because that's where the Responsibility Monster lives.

   I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

   Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?

   I cut the swooshes of my nike socks and sold them to my neighbours wife to use as eyebrows.

   Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel.

   2016: Well 2017, it's almost your turn. You cannot possibly do as bad a job as I did. 2017: Hold my beer.

   "In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. It was about the journey." -Buddhist GPS

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

   It's never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".

   The Irony of the old saying, "I wouldn't touch you with a 6 foot pole".

   Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan!

   Coffee spelled backwards is "eeffoc". Just know that I don't give eeffoc until I've had my morning coffee.

   Shouldn't you have to pass a urine test to collect a welfare check, since I have to pass one to earn it for you?

   If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A. Has intimacy issues B. Is frigid C. Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus

   Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"

   The perfect woman: 1. Beautiful but doesn't let it get to her head. 2. Intelligent without needing to prove it. 3. Funny as hell.

   No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"