Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!"

   hunting is the only sport where you get to eat your opponent.

   Cheated on Facebook with my real life today.

   with my luck I would win the lotto then the world would end the day after

   Coffee, You're on the bench. Alcohol...suit up!

   When one door closes, another one opens. Then you're inside Walmart.

   Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.

   I wonder if Kanye West's baby cries in autotune...

   been accused by others of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine!

   Remember how your teachers would drink in the staff lounge, only it was just one teacher, and she drank all day, and you were homeschooled?

   It's not my fault you thought I was normal.

   Gonna be honest here since the world is ending: "Sailing" by Christopher Cross makes me emotional.

   My Christmas tree isn't the only thing that's getting lit this time of year.

   so, Congress has known about this "fiscal cliff" situation for 2 years now and all of a sudden it's a crisis???

   Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”

   It's spooky how many kids look like their owners

   Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.

   Who's gonna give Rob Schneider work when Adam Sandler dies?

   Killing everyone in your anger management class really calms you down.

   This job fair sucks... They don't have one ride...