Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are you sick and tired of having sex? Ask your doctor if 'marriage' is right for you!

   Favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell's Kitchen 3. Breaking bad

   Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP,,, until you have something someone else needs

   There are two types of people in this world and it is easily determined by what they do when an ice cube falls on the floor.

   Just when you thought this sh*thole couldn't sink any deeper...

   I love the Internet. Back in the old days, we had no idea how many ignorant people there are out there. Now, we've got a datapoint.

   So did all those kids that had the skate or die t shirts in the 90s die?

   It's funny how some people think they can fool me when I ignore their calls and they call me with a private number 5 minutes later. You really think I am that stupid? I know it's YOU.

   I've yet to see a pair of boots that"weren't" made for walking.

   OK, so there's a news report of a very large satellite hitting the earth tomorrow...but of course, we have no clue where...NOW, In my opinion, it isn't rocket science to just place a SH*TLOAD of magnets in the middle of the desert....right?....JUST SAYING

   "In an unhealthy relationship" should definately be a Facebook option.

   The planet Saturn = 7 rings, Michael Jordan = 6 rings, Kobe Bryant = 5 rings, LeBron James.........Just a Headband.

   You know those people that you have to explain every joke to? Let's kill them.

   "Vodka, Bourbon, Tequila!" - Me calling the shots.

   Fellas: When you go around flash your money, don't get mad when you only attract broke a$$ women who are looking for a handout.

   The older I get, the older old is.

   I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.

   What makes the Superbowl half time show better than the Grammys? The Superbowl half-time show was only 1/2 hour.

   Just took the 'road less traveled'...found Waldo...

   CNN refuses to broadcast Gathafi's speech; reason being it is copyrighted to the Comedy Channel....