Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone should invent a bra that plays music so girls can't complain that guys always stare at their boobs and never listen to them.

   The older and fatter I get the more my underwear makes me feel like a dolphin trapped in a tuna net.

   Woke up with the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed... at first I was afraid... I was petrified

   The wrong relationship will have you feeling more alone than when you were single..

   Today's Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bulls**t.

   Whoever wants to kill Casey Anthony, should probably do so in Florida.

   Wrong # call=boring. Wrong # text message=fun. Someone text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."

   Today MTV turns 30, and yes I'm old enough to remember when they played music videos

   I sleep naked so if there's some sort of emergency I immediately make it sexy.

   When someone texts you “hahahahaha!!” instead of “haha” or “lol”, you know you've done well.

   I think all women who say, "All men are Jerks" mean to say, "All the men I chose to date are jerks" or put simply, "I am attracted to jerks"

   Today I saw a baby with a onesie that said "Mommy only wanted a backrub."

   I blame Subway!! The kids had a better chance of outrunning Jared when he was fat......

   I just found my old Boom Box. Anyone have 56 D-batteries I can borrow

   In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

   I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized it was just a homeless guy yelling at pigeon.

   Sorry I yelled, "Finish Him" at your wedding.

   You're never too old to throw random sh*t in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.

   To this day it still upsets me that all of those times that Forest Gump was separated from his true love, he never ONCE thought to pick up a phone and dial 867-5309.......

   Gay joke in three, two, One Direction.