Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bulls**t.

   Whoever wants to kill Casey Anthony, should probably do so in Florida.

   Wrong # call=boring. Wrong # text message=fun. Someone text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."

   Today MTV turns 30, and yes I'm old enough to remember when they played music videos

   I sleep naked so if there's some sort of emergency I immediately make it sexy.

   When someone texts you “hahahahaha!!” instead of “haha” or “lol”, you know you've done well.

   I think all women who say, "All men are Jerks" mean to say, "All the men I chose to date are jerks" or put simply, "I am attracted to jerks"

   Today I saw a baby with a onesie that said "Mommy only wanted a backrub."

   I blame Subway!! The kids had a better chance of outrunning Jared when he was fat......

   I just found my old Boom Box. Anyone have 56 D-batteries I can borrow

   In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

   I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized it was just a homeless guy yelling at pigeon.

   Sorry I yelled, "Finish Him" at your wedding.

   You're never too old to throw random sh*t in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.

   To this day it still upsets me that all of those times that Forest Gump was separated from his true love, he never ONCE thought to pick up a phone and dial 867-5309.......

   Gay joke in three, two, One Direction.

   "Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my wife to start a conversation.

   One for the money... Two for the show... Three to get ready... Four to speak to a customer service representitive... Press * to hear these options again.

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”

   Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.