Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The fact that I can buy a song while on the toilet using my phone means no one is really working on cancer, are they?

   After 2 years I finally found the back piece to one of my remotes. This means more to me than it probably should.

   Not to scare anyone, but we're only a decade or so away from grandmothers named Amber or Brittany.

   ..always finds it tempting to yell "EVERYBODY! DOWN ON THE FLOOR!" when she's waiting in line at her bank.

   How come so many people Roll On The Floor *Laughing*? If I'm rolling on the floor, it's usually because I'm on fire. Send help.

   The FOLD cycle on the clothes dryer isn't working.

   still waiting for the latest Toy Story movie to come out... Its called Adult Toy Story. It gives a totally new meaning to "Buzz" and "Woody".

   on Facebook for social networking; not for digital farms and aquariums. Quit asking me to adopt your fish or join your farm because really I don't care if your fish dies or if your entire farm burns. Thanks :)

   Trust me...Even if I gave a sh*t I wouldnt give it to you!

   Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.....

   I've been arrested for being the ugliest person in the country. Can you come down the station and show them they've made a mistake?

   It's better to be with no one than to be with the wrong one

   Sometimes while I drink my coffee I stare out the window and ask myself "How many people am I going to cuss out today"

   just heard from a friend. Changeyour profile picture by December 12th to your favorite moon of the planet Jupiter to help fight childhood obesity amongst cats. Copy and paste to spread the word.

   If you want something you never had, then you've got to do something you've never done.

   While getting dressed this morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was.

   purchased his own Taser off the internet yesterday. In a totally unconnected incident, I've got to buy a cat to replace the neighbour's one this afternoon (and it must be identical looking)........

   You know when you finish an extremely hot shower, throw open the door and cold air hits you full force? I'd like that in a Gatorade flavor.

   I would love to start working out, but I'm beefing up for my "before" picture.

   A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it